I am obliged to a Yankee neighbour for the information that one of the leading Harley Street clinics has announced that penis extensions are now the number one plastic surgery procedures for British men! I further read that from the home of plastic surgery, the good ol´ US of A, a new technique for lip-plumping is taking fat from buttocks and injecting it into the lips- all I can say is, kiss my arse!
Which, believe it or not brings me to Tony and Cherie Blair. Apparently at their recent pow-wow with the Pope Cherie, being a devout Catholic, kissed the Pontiff´s ring whilst the PM just bowed his head slightly whilst shaking hands.
Was this I wonder because Tone´s C. of E. or perhaps because he reserves that sort of greeting for George Bush?
Whilst on the subject of ´the other side of the pond life´ I received a tacky email extolling the opportunities offered by the Iraqi crisis. Apparently the demand for the ´Green Card Lottery´ has "plummeted to an all time low". Every year the US Department of State allocates 50 000 US Green Cards to qualifying applicants from around the world.
This is known as the Diversity Immigrant Visa Lottery (which is more commonly referred to as the ´Green Card Lottery´).
This Lottery was created by the US Congress to allow applicants from low-immigration countries to legally live, work and study in the USA as permanent US residents.
The email goes on to say, "YES, this could be excellent news for you! Yes, you read me right - this COULD BE EXCELLENT NEWS FOR YOU! Here´s why...Your chances of becoming a US GREEN CARD HOLDER (a legal US Resident with the right to live, work and study in the USA), may never have been BETTER!! You see, irrespective of the present crises faced by the USA, its allies, and indeed large portions of the world, these passing-problems are but a small blimp upon the radar-screen of time".
Just proves the old adage that, It´s an ill wind (chemical or not) that turns none to good.
Just to keep you on your toes and for a bit of fun, according to the writings of thel 15th century Muslim explorers the original "seven seas" were; the Med; the Red; the East African; the West African; the China; the Persian Gulf and the Indian Ocean. What are considered as the modern "Seven Seas"?
A bottle of bubbly for the first correct answer.
Now then...... when you next get your bill from the chandlery here´s something to think about.
Memsahib Bates recently decided to go down the stairs at home "the quick way" resulting in a fractured fetlock.
Although the hospitalisation was covered by insurance, the "hardware," that the surgeons had to install to repair the damage, (metal plate and six screws) was a cash deal: to the tune of 453.20 Euros, thank you very mucho!
Having said that, and I don´t want to tempt fate, but if any of you are in need of hospitalisation the Clinca Juaneda is the tops.
Thanks to all the medical staff including the two resident PR/translators, Vivienne and Shellie. If you need some info on Juaneda give them a bell on 971 73 16 47 ext 5013.
If you think that Diego, next door is such a nice guy fawning and fussing over his old mum, think again.
I know I´m an old cynic but Diego may have got wind of a new law that´s being proposed in Spain.
It basically says that relatives who would automatically inherit a share of a person´s wealth will lose it, "if they have not paid them the attention they were due during their life". All sounds very nice but can you imagine the bickering of the various relatives in court if it goes through. Incidentally Spain has very strict inheritance laws. For example, at the moment, children have the right to a minimum of one third of a parent´s estate and cannot be written out of a will however uncaring they might have been!
At the risk of getting another snotty letter from their lawyer did you see that The Euro Weekly has finally admitted to what a lot of us have been saying for some time: that it´s not worth paying a cent for it.
They announced on the 6th of March that it´s now, "absolutely free".
In the same issue they gushingly introduced yet another sales manager (I have forgotten how many that have come and gone).
The new one has promised to," provide the residents of Mallorca with a newspaper they feel ´belongs´ to them." How´s she going to do this you might ask?
Wait for it....with, "a review of colonic irrigation".
I can´t speak for you gentle reader but the term, ´full of sh**´ springs to my mind!
Now then, have all of you who can vote in the May elections registered?
You´ve got till the 31st March to get yourself to your town hall to register.
There have been some reports of some councils being ´awkward´ with foreigner´s applications to vote (Censo electoral de ciudadanos de la Union Europea, no esponoles residents en Espana) and any queries on this should be addressed to Cuidadanos Europeos on 971 715860 or 971 670300.
For all us Calvianiers, the following facts might be of interest!
Firstly, it has been estimated (because you can´t get any hard figures from the town hall) that as of May 2002 Calvia was in hock to banks etc to the tune of 108 million Euros.
This staggering amount is attracting an interest of approx 60,000 Euros per day to service!
Let´s look at one of the current bunch of clowns´ mad expenditure; the numbers on the roundabouts.
These work out at 12,000 Euros each!
To add to this there is a rumour that they have a plan to replace them with stainless steel ones at a cost of a further 7,000 Euros each.
This complete waste of public funds will presumably continue until they run out of roundabouts or they are run out of office!
What is the biggest revenue earner in Calvia?
I would say it was tourism; wouldn´t you?
It appears that the Empress and her mob obviously don´t think so because the 2003 budget allocation for Calvia´s expenditure on ´tourism´ is a measly 1.7%!!
Wages and expenses´ being 66%.
In Calvia taxes per person, per annum total 794.06 Euros compared with, Alcudia- 449.78; Andratx- 409.24; Pollensa- 348.33; Soller- 208.08; Lluchmayor- 288.11.
The damage has been done and the legacy of debt can´t be wiped out easily but, for God´s sake (and our own) let´s get rid of Her Royal Highness Marg. and her coterie of left-wing, looney spendthrifts in May- get registered and vote!
Enough of this gloom and doom- here´s a silly one.
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in ..... and then the trouble started....
Here´s one for the ladies.
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. "I´ve got some good news and some bad news," said The Lord.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I´ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have meaningful and intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet.
Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Bad luck Kiwis!
The America´s cup, having been lifted by the Lake Geneva skiff & punting club, is going to be defended in Europe, Mallorca being one of the listed options.
What might be of interest is that a little bird tells me that Mr. Bertarelli, the owner of Team Alinghi, has been a frequent yachting visitor to Mallorca and has bought a large berth here.
The local dignitaries and business people are naturally falling over themselves to invite the event to be here in order to hear their favourite music- the ringing of cash-registers!
This sounds great but my cynicism of the locals´ greed and ability to kill golden geese plus memories of the complete **ck-up re the Tall Ships visit some years ago (that have vowed never to return) sets my alarm bells ringing.
If the Mallorquin Mafia can be kept from running the show it´ll be great for everyone on the Island.
As you will see from the boss´ ´editorial´ bit in the front, the taxman has ´discovered yachting´ and you should all be aware that once these ´jobsworths´ start digging they don´t stop.
From a pretty reliable source word gets to me that a special ´nautical posse´ has been formed in the tax office in Palma and they´ll be on the outlook for any unpaid taxes.
If you are not ´domiciled for tax purposes´ anywhere the tax loophole is tightening with more and more ´disclosure´ agreements being signed by different counties in their fight against money laundering, drugs and terrorism etc.
There are ways to avoid tax as much as possible; I suggest you seek some proper financial advice now, before...not after you´ve been rumbled.
You have been warned!
And finally:
She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It´s not my fault...I ran out of money.
Have a good season.
Sincerely
Bates