Recently I ordered two things mail order. Despite faxing a very simple map to both local courier companies what a drama!
And they expect us to believe Christopher Columbus was a Mallorquin- er I think not!
Gentlemen, isn´t it sooo annoying when you agree to meet ´er indoors at a certain place and time in a large supermarket, or even worse shopping centre. One wonders why they wear a watch? Ha- "retail therapy" has a lot to answer for!
Well I believe I´ve found the answer and naturally want to pass it onto you fine chaps.
Approach a very beautiful woman in the supermarket or wherever and say, "I´ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman will look puzzled and will probably reply with something like, "Why talk to me"?
To which you may just about have time to say, "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere".
For those of you sceptical of, "The Curse of Bates" ask yourself where the Empress of Calvia is? Where are the looney-left wing anoraks?
In a crude, but oh so accurate colloquialism, they have been well and truly "**cked orf"; and bloody good riddance too! The old dragon, at her abdication speech, had the gall to mention underhanded tactics involved in kicking her arse out of the throne in Calvia. With (so far) 7 impending corruption cases against her this is surely a case of a despot calling a kettle black!
I´m delighted to say that after her pissing away more than 144,000 Euros on the grotesque numbers on the Calvia Walkway, the new mayor has cancelled the numbers 10, 11 and 12 saving us taxpayers another 82,000 Euros.
In Palma most of the ejected ministers probably spent most of their last week in power shredding paper but not our glorious ex-minister for anti-tourism, Snr. Alomar who proved to be to tourism what the Teletubbies are to MENSA.
Just five days before the investiture of the new Mallorcan government, Alomar spitefully completely changed the structure of the ministry of tourism ensuring some of his old "Arslikhan" cronies a job which will make the incoming minister´s job difficult to say the least. Meanwhile his parting shot to the hotel industry was to (again just before packing his bags) order an inspection of various hotels. Guess what, four hotel groups were slapped with the highest possible fines (60,000 Es) for something or other. Interestingly these four groups are headed by the most outspoken critics of Alomar´s management of the ministry of tourism- co-incidence or what? That just about sums him up.
I remember a spotty kid called Dennis Sibthorpe in the lower fifth who punctured the ball because he wasn´t made centre forward: I also remember him being "shampooed" (on several subsequent occasions) in the school bogs. My humble suggestion to Alomar is that he should wear a bathing cap from now on!
And the rest of his bunch of clowns? The bank of Spain has just announced that the autonomous Balearics is the only region in Spain that has increased it´s national debt in the first quarter of 2003; compared with 2002 it´s 52% up and 2000 a staggering 160%! And this does not include the local "state owned companies" that will prove to increase indebtedness; the looney, left wing, green, anoraks have certainly left a poisoned challis!
This of course leaves a tangible void as far as targets of the curse are concerned (I will of course keep you informed of Marg´s spiralling flight-path including the data from the black box)- so watch out- you have been warned!
What you might have suspected, having lived here for some while, has now been verified by national research; the Balearics, with 38.6 % has the highest index of school failures in Spain! It is interesting to note that the same report on school failure reveals that, "the sociocultural and educational level of the parents is fundamental".
And then another piece of research has come up with the odious result that the inhabitants of the Balearics (along with the Gallegos) wash themselves less than in any other area in Spain!
There may be, for various reasons, 5,000 less hire cars on the islands this year but that still leaves 45,000! As usual they´re pretty easy to recognise; they´re the ones going round the roundabouts the wrong way with their windscreen filled with a map and their back window filled with Lilos!
SARS may be a threat to the human race but surely the ´Becks´ virus is the real impending Armageddon. The symptoms are that firstly the world´s media will be infected and will not allow any other news or views to be reported. This of course will release more space / time to be devoted to re-runs of Man. U. matches and Spice Girls videos. This will then be closely followed by, at world population levels, and frighteningly in all languages, conversations being punctuated with the words, ´becks´ and ´posh´. Bugger the no smoking laws; I´m willing to suffer passive smoking. Just give me Becks free zones!
Even the editor of the local paper, The Daily Bull**** shows signs of infection and has offered Becks a free subscription if he buys a home here in Mallorca. The thing is though Jason, it may take more of your time than you think- you´ll have to hand deliver it to him so that there will be someone there who can read it to him. If you are going to courier or mail it, include a box of crayons.
Have you noticed the "fachartzentrum" or medical centre based opposite the Club de Mar? This is doubly convenient for megayacht skippers and others who have illusions of being God as the resident psychiatrist just happens to be a Dr. Christ!
Oh-oh....The men in grey suits have requested banks to identify the holders of "special accounts" used to carry out transactions with banks and companies in other countries. The Tax Office believes these accounts are used to evade taxes and has sent the request out to 60 banks!
And in the meantime, the plot thickens down in Andratx am Rhein. Following the six full page "advertorial" attacks in local rags on Snr. Onofre Rullan, the director general of the Balearic coasts, by the Club de Vela who have seen the golden goose, not so much killed, but awarded to others, ANADE, the association representing 31 marinas around the Balearics are not amused. They have in fact withdrawn their support of the old fogies of the club. The club´s main whinge was that they should have been awarded the new concession, as they were a "charity". This has not only been pooh-poohed by the general direction of coasts but no doubt caused many who keep their boats there and work there to laugh!
And the plot thickens even more as the declared winners of the Andratx concession, "IP3M" have been denounced for their running of Marina Port de Mallorca for applying alleged illegal service charges that are not sanctioned in the originally agreed concession terms - there´s muck flying in all directions!
Partial to a spot of live rugger on the box and a few scoops of amber neck oil I ended back home the other Saturday minus my marbles and mobile.
Luckily I had clocked up enough brownie points from Vodafone to get a free one. Although a pain in the posterior at least the lost dog ´n bone was only a bog standard "Panasonic" and not a "Vertu" that claims to be ,"the world´s first luxury communications instrument"; and what does that mean you might ask?
A platinum mobile phone that´s a snip at a trifling 24,000 Euros! Now, in anybody´s language, that´s not small talk- check it out on www.vertu.com.
Rumour has it that Palma is still looking very good to host the Americas Cup when Bates´ shell-like picked up a whisper that a very (and I mean very) Spanish VIP was breaking bread with Alinghi´s boss man, Bertarelli very recently. Perhaps the trump card to win the nomination of venue may well be a King if you follow my drift.
Those of you who think that stabbing exhausted and bleeding bulls to death is a trifle cruel will be interested to hear that the Catalan Parliament recently approved a new law which prohibits the access of minors of 14 years old and under into bullfights. At the same time Barcelona announced that they have opened the first ever residence for wooftah pensioners. Whilst, down in George Bush country, Texas has decided to decriminalise sodomy, and now in Blighty, gay rights campaigners have hailed the fall of "Section 28", the clause banning the "promotion" of homosexuality in schools, which is being repealed after a vote in the Lords, as a "triumph for tolerance" - funny old world init?
No doubt you get some weird offers via the internet but this one takes the biscuit; Naked News! For 17 US cents a day you can log onto a site where 11 tarts strip whilst they read the news- I kid you not, go to http://www.strippeddownnews.com.
Well, the new Palma boss of the environment, Antoni Nadal is a new broom who plans to sweep the capital´s streets clean. He´s come up with the idea that if anyone wants to buy a dog through a pet shop they should take a course in how to look after it.
Fat chance; the average Pedrito literally doesn´t give a shit!
Nadal reckons that EMAYA scoops 30 tons of dog´s poop per year. As I have said before, Spain is a place that believes that when the floor´s full use the ashtray or bin! It´s in the schools that things like this should be taught not in the pet shop to some tattooed git buying a Rottweiler.
Chicken Korma might have taken over from roast beef in good old Blighty but get a load of this twaddle! Readers of a certain age are likely to be aware of the racist chant, "There aint no black in the Union Jack". Well, one man has decided it´s high time that changed. Nigel Turner, who strongly supports the UK´s traditions of cultural diversity and tolerance (he is white himself), has launched a campaign to redesign the Union Flag - by adding a black edge to the St George´s Cross and a thin black saltire upon the St Andrew´s cross.
And what´s my view?
Well, may I refer you to the recent obituary of the "diffident aristocrat", The Duke of Bedford. Described as, "a most elegant dresser who never wore the same pair of shoes twice in the month".
Now compare that with a flat load of people who wear the same pair of Doc Marten´s in shift style or a wallah who wears the same pair of flip-flops for a year and I´m sure you´ll get my particular perspective!
"We drink to one another´s healths, and spoil our own". Never was a truer saying for an unlucky Barcelona bod recently. After polishing off a bottle of the Damm brand beer, he popped his clogs; apparently because the amber nectar contained some dregs of a "toxic agent" used for cleaning the bottles in the brewery.
A recent hearing awarded Snra. Rodrigues 150,000 Euros for the loss of her hubby. If anybody says to you, "Hey does this taste OK to you", remember it could literally be the last Damm thing you drink!
Looking for something to buy ´er indoors? Remington is introducing its Bikini Trim and Shape electric razor in the U.K. The razor, which was previously introduced to the U.S. market, is specifically designed for women to use to shape their pubic hair. According to the company, their market research found that 79 percent of women shaved off part or all of their pubes, and 36 percent trimmed their hair into a specific design, such as a heart or their partner´s initial.
Looking at the local media scene no one would have criticised two of the staff of the weakly "newspaper" for leaving but to go and produce yet another load of twaddle called the Reporter is unforgivable.
On the same subject yet another ex. weakly dynamic duo, Ken and Barbie, are of course responsible for the "nause factor 10", celebrity mag.
The main and, come to think of it probably only result of this is that it has created confusion as to whether it´s more cringe making to be featured within their glossy pages or by the "Lash" in the Daily Bull****- pass me the sick bag!
Another very successful Bambu Fish raft race saw "Stan´s Team" as the eventual winners after more stewards’ enquiries than the Jockey Club sees in a year!
A special mention to the all ladies team of the Squadron Club who were finally eliminated in the semis after showing the Henley class of a true coxless crew!
Again many thanks to Oscar Sierra for the rafts and to Cormorant carpentry for the oars.
As Master Bates is away on his annual summer holiday researching (twentieth year of research) his book, "The best teetotal lap-dancing clubs and celibate brothels of Phuket", this column has been written by his cabin boy, Seaman Steynes