There has been much speculation as to who is, and what does Master Bates look like, even Lord Lucan has been suggested. To put the record straight to the left is a recent photo of me!
It was way back in 1798 when Benjamin Franklin coined the phrase that, "In this world nothing can be said to be certain except death and taxes".
I bet you have never noticed the very first question on the Spanish annual declaration of income tax which all of you (ha-that´s a laff in itself!) completed and submitted last month.
Well, to cut a long story short the question is, " If you wish to donate 0.5239% of your tax bill for the economic support of the Catholic Church tick the box.” Presumably it´s a bit like taking an advert in the local police magazine- you get preferential treatment when your number comes up!
When you thought it was safe to go back into the water a 4 metre shark was washed up in Ibiza harbour last month; apparently killed by propeller wounds!
Call me a cynical ***tard if you wish (as you can image I’ve been called worse) but good ol´ Ed Washburn obviously believes in the old adage that, ´there´s no such thing as bad publicity´
Who he?
A vice president of Zodiac USA.
It appears that the FBI went to see Ed about terrorist use of inflatables in suicide bomb attacks on ships because, "Zodiac has been mentioned, specifically, and by name in intelligence reports supplied to U.S. Security Agencies". Ed jumped at this opportunity to extol the virtues of Zodiacs by zinging out 200 letters to inflatable dealers nationwide and holding a press conference for the same purpose.
Don´t be surprised if you have to sign something along the lines of,
´I solemnly swear that I will not use this Zodiac for terrorist purposes´, if you buy a new Zodiac in the future!
Look out for the new advertising campaign- ´Zodiac- the inflatable, people just die for!´
Now onto a more jocular topic, marriage (ha, bloody ha!).
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don´t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we´ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you´re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the arse and say, ´Hi honey I´m home. You as horny as I am?´ .... and she´s always sound asleep...
Has anyone seen the ´ecotax board game´ that is being given away as a part-work in Ultima Hora newspaper?
It’s a bit like monopoly. When you land on certain squares you have to pay ecotax and there are also opportunities to invest in eco-friendly schemes as you go round the board.
What is interesting is that it´s all in Mallorquin (including the instructions) not Spanish- xenophobic or what? (Before you dig out a dictionary it means fear or hatred of foreigners).
Did you read that Tiffany Blackman of IBATUR said recently that the tourist trade is holding up well.
Oh yeah?
What figures are they reading?
Reports from the actual industry show that in June the hoteliers are slashing prices as much as 50% with some 3 star hotels offering rooms at 12 Euros a day which is considered at below cost and with the average hotel occupancy at a disastrous 50%.
The local government is also claiming that all figures are down; particularly the German market...er...Nope!
Recent figures released by the airports authority show that between Jan and May this year Alicante increased their throughput of German travellers by just under 12% whilst Malaga has gained 2% over the same period.
In contrast, Palma is down 17%, Ibiza minus 13% and Menorca minus 18%. Interestingly, there was an article in a local Spanish paper about the state of local tourism with a headline aimed at Snr. Antich, the leader of the left wing coalition ****ers;
"Where are you going Mr. President? Where are you taking us´?
Bloody good question- down the pan pronto, if the people of the Balearics don´t wake up soon. Roll on the elections!
Neil MacDonald of E3 tells me that he spent three days getting rid of viruses from a yacht´s computer recently. He has set up a virus-warning newsletter. If you want to subscribe send an email to neilmac@e3s.com. The Klez worm shows no sign of stopping and due to its spoofing techniques, users may be left wondering who is and isn´t infected. Visit the Klez Help Center to get a better understanding of this worm and, if need be, obtain free removal tools to cleanse your system.
http://antivirus.about.com/library/blklez.htm
Oh dear the Nigerian scam emails are endless. I recently received two interesting ones regarding the same ´family fortune´. One from Maryam Abacha, the widow of the late General Sani Abacha; and one from Munirat Abacha, the wife of the late general´s son.
Whilst Munirat was offering a deal on 6.8 million US, Maryam had 700 million US and 450 million DM (poor dear obviously isn´t aware of the Euro obviously).
I forwarded Munirat´s email to Maryam and Maryam´s to Munirat asking them to sort themselves out and to get their stories right!
Don´t forget just forward the whole scam email to the ´abuse dept´ of their email company; for instance,
Here´s a warning I´ll pass on regarding the new Calvia parking meters.
Recently a yacht skipper arrived in Portals Nous and parked in the car park outside ´MultiMarine´.
He put his money in at 09:02 and the machine registered that he had arrived at 09:20!
What a great Calvia wheeze to collect fines!!!!!!
Look out for it, check the ticket and if it´s wrong find a ´jobsworth´ in blue and give him or her some grief- you´ll find it ever soooo satisfying if nothing else.
On the same subject, word on the dockside is that the Port in Portals may soon see the blue lines and parking machines.
Bar and restaurant owners will probably welcome this as it will serve to clear the waiters´ etc cars that sit there all day.
Also, perhaps yacht service and supply companies will have more chance of getting near a yacht they have to visit for business?
Congrats to Capn´ Kevin of yacht ´Kalikobass´ who won the bottle of Mount Gay by recognising the photo (in our last issue) of Ashley of ´Moecca´ sitting (with his back to the camera) on a bidet!
Kevin tells me he recognised him from his haircut and gold chain............oh yen?
Thanks to John Masters of Moecca for the competition and the prize.
I also have to award a bottle from the meagre funds of Master Bates to David Miller of Ocean Safety who was the very first to respond to the competition who emailed;
"I have no idea whatever who the crew member is but the bidet looks like the one in room 23 in Don Angelo´s".
Cheers Dave, I´ve heard of train spotters but bidet spotters is new to me!
It was not only ´Becks´ that had a dodgy ankle during the world cup.
Word gets to me that Bene from the intergallactically famous garage of the same name was a little late for a kick off for one of the games, so the finely honed athlete took off at great pace on foot to his local pub.
Whoops! Arse above apex and turned his ankle.
Our brave Bene however, struggled on through the whole week-end without missing a game; perhaps because he was on Budweiser and not Becks!
It was only when the large doses of general anaesthetic (Budweiser again) wore off the next Monday that he decided to get an x-ray.
He´s now sporting a bloody big pin (talk about body piercing) in one of his pinkies but back at work.
True grit eh?
A local skipper was invited to visit ´The World´, the floating millionaires city, when it docked in Palma.
He was amazed by the paint and varnish finish, which he described as.... er..........crap!
Apparently it won’t take long for the sea air and sun to strip it back to primer (I can just see ´Peter Pinmar´ rubbing his hands as he reads this) and bare wood.
The cheapest apartment aboard being 2 million big ones US, with estimated annual maintenance fees of a mere 117,000 dollars.
Aren’t you so glad you didn’t buy one?
I have to end up with a sad announcement.
Billy McShane, who recently moved from Mallorca to live in Sotogrande on the mailand has died.
It is intended to have a memorial wake in the Club de Mar bar sometime after the season is over so that many of his friends can attend.
I will keep you informed of this but if you wish to be notified by email please email us at jrule@talas-iap.es
´Little Billy´ had a huge heart and a massive (if somewhat zany) sense of humour. He’ll be missed by many of us. R.I.P.