As always dear gentle reader, I have some interesting info to impart.
A herd of buffalo (please bear with me now) can only move as fast as the slowest member and when the herd is hunted by predators it is the slowest members that are caught and killed. This natural selection, according to old Charlie Darwin is good for the herd as, by the elimination of the slowest, the herd as a whole can move faster. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest cells. As everyone knows alcohol catches up with and knocks off a few brain cells, by the same theory, attacking the weakest and slowest. In this way a regular consumption of a few beers eliminates these sluggard cells, thus making the brain faster.
You want proof?
Come on, be honest, don´t you always feel closer to Einstein than Dumbo after a few scoops?
And talking of eedjits, as our Paddy friends would say, did you see what the new Bishop of Reading said about Britney Spears´ swifty nuptial and annulment?
I quote from the great man in the cassock, "I said to my own teenage son that this was a good example of why you should not go out drinking in the early hours of the morning".
Hello?? A few beers, chill out and end up getting shacked up with Britney- a damned better night´s work than early to bed with a cup of Horlicks and a chorus of "Lead me O thy great Jehovah" in my book.
The only mistake was, her beau allowed her to get her beer goggles off in time for her lawyers to cut him out of the $60 million or so she´s worth. No doubt I´ll be struck down by lighting for that remark; but publish and be damned!
Which brings me ever so neatly to our local "whirlwind romancer" Oscar Sierra´s Paddy who foxtrotted oscar to Las Vegas to get spliced to Ann- congrats all round.
And, whilst on the congrats trail, large ones to the Hall´s in deepest S´Arraco (they of Compass Design) on the arrival of Rosie on boxing day.
If you´re thinking of a prezzie I´m sure Malcolm would be oh so pleased to receive some of those nice plastic mobiles that he can put in the sidecar he´s now bound to have fitted to transport the family around!
How many times have you said, "Bloody cyclists"?
Well the owner of the 30 square kilometre state, Es Fangar in Manacor has put his money where his mouth is. Appalled to think that the estate would be inundated by lycra louts in the ´public routes’ through the estate he bought every copy (8000) of a cyclotourist guide (produced by Manacor council) which included the estate. The cost of privacy? 17,000 Euros!
Why the hell can´t they go round and round the poligonos on week-ends?
If you´ve got a weak bladder I recommend that you avoid flying Qantas!
Air marshals are one way of dealing with terrorists in planes but ´flying dunnies downunder´ have decided to ban toilet queues to limit would be hijackers to gather. This idea has not gone down well with the Australian transport minister, John Anderson who probably remarked, "Cripes Blue! Are they taking the **ss or what"?
Here´s an early warning for those of you that make a few bucks out of renting property out to tourists. The government, aided and abetted by the council for tourism and the hotel federation want to make a list of ´legal houses´. The minimum requirement is that it is unifamily and has no more than 4 bedrooms.
It might be worthwhile to get your lawyer / accountant to find out what the taxes are- might well be better than a hefty fine?
Marg. update. The ex-Empress of Calvia has been rumbled yet again.
Looking carefully at the left-wing looney party´s accounts between 1997 and 2003 it appears that our Marg. managed to fritter and pilfer 120,000 Euros of council money on fashion items (clothes and jewels etc.) for herself and her cronies! She may get away with it on medical grounds claiming that she´s suffering from Esmelda Marcositis!!
Every revelation seems to reveal that she really did think she was an Empress!!! Surely she can´t avoid the slammer on this one?
Now gentlemen I would like to introduce you to a splendid chain letter; bra burners are advised to turn the page!
Chain Letter
At last!!
A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes; this one costs nothing, and you can only win.
Simply send this to NINE of your mates who are just as virile as you.
INSTRUCTIONS
Anaesthetise your wife or girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don´t forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive an estimated 823,542 women through the post.
Statistically, among those women, will be at
least:
0.5 Miss Worlds.
2.5 Models.
463 Wild nymphos.
3,234 Good- looking potential nymphos.
In total, that is a whole load women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.
And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown and curlers he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.
On the same day, the international supermodel he´d been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS LETTER.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities that only interest women.
No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.
Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.
PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.
PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
As the boss mentioned earlier in the rag there will be some considerable excitement down in the Palma boat yard this month as the warders of stalag muelle viejo release their ideas of what they’d like to see and what what they’d like to be paid for the concession which is coming up for grabs at the end of this year.
I’m sure there will be a number of bidders and I for one (if I was a skipper, owner or manager) wouldn’t be looking at any very long term projects as there’s no guarantee of who one would be dealing with in 2005!
The present incumbent concessionaire, BYP, is obviously gearing up for the future offering a personnel team what can only be called eclectic in terms of experience?
Word gets to me that their latest member of staff was last seen running a fish and chip shop in Alcudia.
Funny old world init?
And talking about concessions and bids etc. The old committee of the Club de Vela, down in Andratx am Rhein are still clinging onto the club.
They are pleading that the concession, given to (vaguely) the same mob that run Marina Port Mallorca in Palma, was unfair if not illegal.
God knows when things are going to be sorted out there.
On the same subject of concessions reverting to the authorities (as in the case of Andratx) the most recent has been Ibiza Nueva (expired in Nov 2003) which has come up for renewal after 30 years.
The port authority are offering a 20 year concession for the future.
For your interest here is a list of the expiry dates for other marinas:
Club de Mar Palma- 2019
Marina Port de Mallorca Palma- 2013
Real Club Nautico Palma- 2022
Club Nautico Arenal- 2021
Marina Cala DÕOr- 2010/ 2024
Alcudiamar- 2018
RCN Pollenca- 2038
Port Adriano- 2024
Santa Ponsa- 2025
Puerto Portals- 2036
Botafoc Ibiza- 2068
Here´s one for you golfers out there.
A keen golfing couple were having lunch in the clubhouse after a morning round.
Staring into space the wife said,
"Darling if I..er..um died do you think you´d find someone else".
Hubby spat out his smoked Salmon,
"Now whatever are you asking me that for? Are you OK"?
"Sure I´m fine, but I was just wondering. Well"?
"Oh gosh I can´t even contemplate it".
"Try", coaxed his wife.
"Well I suppose after some considerable time I might".
Unexpectedly it didn´t faze his wife,
"Would you move in together"?
Angrily he replied,
"Now look is anything wrong? Why are you asking me these so very painful questions"?
"Well would you"? she pressed.
"Oh God, well perhaps after some considerable time; perhaps"!
"Would you share our bed?".
Getting more and more angry he replied,
"No absolutely not"!
"Would you let her use my set of clubs?".
Exasperated and totally flustered he spluttered,
"No way, don’t be daft, she´s left handed"!
Now this is not for the faint hearted!
Raising a child now costs more than the average UK house according to new research from Liverpool Victoria Friendly Society.
From birth to leaving university at age 21 it costs parents £140,398 to feed, clothe and school a child.
This compares to the £137,800 cost of an average home according to the most recent Halifax house price survey.
UK parents are the top spenders in Europe and are the most likely to splash out on toys and holidays.
In fact it costs parents nearly a third more to bring up a child in the UK than in Spain and France.
Italian parents spend the most of basics such as clothes and food but UK parents spend far more on luxuries for their children.
Costs are highest for UK parents in the first five years of their child´s life when a staggering £46,695 is spent.
As every parent is aware the bills don´t stop rolling in when their offspring reach 18.
In fact the escalating cost of university means on average UK parents splash out £30,000 on their child between the ages of 19 and 21.
Moral? Save money and keep it in your trousers!
Hasta the next time.
Bates