Now then, have you ever thought that the taxi drivers at Palma airport are a jolly bunch?
Well it’s not surprising because the bar in their waiting room, in the middle of the airport, is the only one in Spain (if not in the world) that serves alcoholic drinks including spirits! One for the carretera?
Purely on a second hand basis I bring you this warning gentlemen. ANELA, the Spanish national association of knocking shops has expelled one of it´s members, Globo Rojo which is in Palma. The association has expelled them for, "breach of association bylaws".
What does this mean?
Well, I´ve been reliably informed that they have been caught on a credit card fraud crime.
Moral- don´t get caught with your trousers down with anything but cash!
I´m not a follower of ´the beautiful game´ but overhearing a conversation recently got me thinking.
An obviously English supporter (shaved head, tattooed, St George´s cross T shirt, clinically obese- you get the picture) was drowning her sorrows and she came up with an interesting observation that she could’nt believe that France actually had any victory songs. Good question I thought.
If you try the net search engine, ´Google´ with "French Military Victories" the result is, "No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found." If you then hit the, "I´m feeling lucky" button, the result is, "Did you mean: French military defeats".
Oh-oh! The shipyard group, IZAR (includes Cartegena, Costa Blanca) may be in big trouble as the EU has demanded a cool 308 million Euros of aid to be returned. IZAR, which was formed from a merger of the military and civil sectors of the former Astilleros Espana has 11,000 direct employees and economists are warning of bankruptcy within this financial year!
Now then, it may have escaped your attention but after a recent consultation with no less than 1000 linguists, the top three most difficult words in the world to translate have been identified.
For your edification they are, North Congolese, "Ilunga" which means "a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time"; the word, "shlimazl" which is Yiddish for "a chronically unlucky person" and "Naa", used only in the Kansai area of Japan to emphasise statements or agree with someone.
I´m by no means an expert but I humbly suggest that you don´t have to go as far as into a back-water of the Amazon with our very own word, "googly", a cricketing term for "an off-breaking ball disguised by the bowler with an apparent leg-break action" to get heads (shrunken or not) being scratched.
Now skippers of charter yachts please sit down, take a deep breath, pour yourself a large tincture and if you´re of a nervous disposition skip this next piece entirely.
A large tome landed on my mat with a thud which proved to be the Edmiston 2004 charter brochure- very impressive indeed!
Inside I found an article by ex-boat owner, top man of Amstrad, Sir Alan Sugar from which I´ll share extracts with you.
It´s entitled, "Chartering? Is there any alternative?"
Sir Alan starts off, " There is an expression commonly used. If it floats or flies then rent it. There is another version of this but, as a family read book, I won´t go there. Nothing is so true though."
He carries on, "The memory of a great holiday should remain when you walk down the stairs of the yacht onto the dockside and wave goodbye...it´s goodbye and it´s not my yacht, I´ve had a nice time, thanks Mr Owner but the yacht is your problem now. When I was an owner, I have to say I never enjoyed my trips. All I got was a load of grief from the crew about this or that machine that did not work and how, if we had this new instrument, life would be so good and why all the airconditioning needs to be overhauled next year and, by the way, would you mind if the crew had a new Bang and Olufsen DVD player (recordable, of course) as they work so hard sitting on their arses week after week when you are not on board."
And he continues quoting "farewell speeches" from his "various captains".
"Well Sir Alan, sorry about the main owner´s cabin alarm going off every night without notice, I know I have been sitting around all winter doing sod all and the boat should be working perfectly but it´s just one of those things you know. By the way have you had time to think about the increase in crew pay and don´t you think we need another staff car, how about medical insurance for Flossy in the galley and do you have any idea where we are going this winter? I would like to know so that I can book my holiday. I´ll dump the boat in the shipyard- you get ripped off for a million or two whilst I´m on the piss spending all the commission I have amassed over the year from the grateful vendors you have gracefully spent a fortune with."
A pretty bitter sugar methinks!
Word gets to me that there are some serious worries by some people about the serviceability of the travellifts in Palma following the recent breakdown of one of them which sat idle for some days because of the lack of a spare part.
One whisperer tells me that there is a worrying lack of spares and service and that the fact that there isn´t a working weight gauge doesn´t help confidence.
The new lift concession for future years is about to be decided and so it appears that investment is not seen as a priority by anyone right now.
In the current economic situation, all the local business needs now is a dropped yacht!
Surely whoever is responsible is obliged to put people´s minds at rest by a full survey of the machinery if they want people to use them- or are we talking about a near monopoly situation here?
Don´t forget the M.Y. Destiny "falling over" incident in Astilleros some years ago and the very recent collapse of the container crane in Palma docks.
I can assure you that word gets round very quickly to other parts of the marine refit and repair world who are very happy to spread mierde about Mallorca.
I hope I´m playing the Devil´s advocate before any disaster and that it motivates what is needed. Whilst on the subject of Boat Yard Palma I have it on good authority that they have bought out their long-time rivals (including an acrimonious legal wrangle) Travel Lift Palma- presumably all about the forthcoming bidding over the yard´s concession.
I have been asked by a couple of people if anyone knows of the whereabouts of Tony Whittaker who was chief spanner in the car repair shop, ´Moby Dick´ in Marivent; it appears he´s ´done a runner´.
After a few scoops of amber nectar the Master Bates editorial board decided that the headline that didn´t appear locally regarding a recent reported incident that perhaps should have run- "German Kunt Falls From Cathedral" (A Manfred Kunt from Germany fell from the top of Ses Voltes wall in front of the Cathedral).
Always aware that you, dear reader, are interested in vital international news here´s a snippet that you may have missed in the acres of newsprint devoted to the piffling twaddle of footy and Becksmania and his fall from grace.
Robyn Lewis, who, as I´m sure you are aware, is Archdruid of Wales, has demanded that Stonehenge should be returned to Dyfed from where the stones were dragged in the early Bronze age. (my journalist colleague, ‘The Lash’ can no doubt vouch for this)
Quite rightly Mr. Lewis refers to the recent return of the Stone of Destiny to Scotland and that it is only a matter of time before the Elgin marbles are returned to Greece. He´s hoping for a lottery grant to pay for their return- quite bloody right too boyo, isn´t it, look you, I say!
I´m sure no one would argue that mass tourism is the driving economic force of the islands and that the various factions, political left and right, hoteliers, restaurant and bar organisations, car rental association, etc, all argue what is best for the industry. But they seem to be looking at ´fine tuning´ and not the big picture.
On reading an article in a recent English newspaper perhaps fundamental facts and statistics are being ignored by the locals. The stark comment by a leading tour operator was, " The traditional tour model is finished and the industry must adapt or die".
As far as the British market is concerned (vital for the Balearics) bookings to Spain are at an all time low with some of the well known mass-market operators still holding 40% of holidays they hoped to sell, in a third successive summer of discounting in the peak periods!
Iraq, the weather and football are trotted out as excuses to avoid the real issue.
AC Nielsen, a leading market research company, say that the sales of the 16m package holidays are currently 9% down on last season which were down on the previous summer. However from the same source come the figures of schedule airlines being 4% up and accommodation-only sales up by 39%.
There may be a late rush that might save the local tourism industry´s bacon but it looks like Mr and Mrs Tourist have moved on in their holidaying tastes (and are offered other attractive venues) whilst the locals have been resting on their laurels (sitting on their arses counting their money) believing that the demand for just sun, sea and cheap sangria will continue forever- wrong!
The front page story is interesting in comparison as the nautical tourist seems to have just been ´discovered´. Not missing a trick the locals are now setting up training schemes in " leisure marine studies".
Motivation? Dosh and the fact that having looked seriously at the market for the first time ´the authorities´ have realised that (their figures) 90% of the people involved are foreigners-
I wonder why?
Could it possibly be professionalism, skill, service, civility and price? (OK, I concede that a little sun does help)
Perhaps the mass market should study the nautical market for the reasons for its decline?
Here´s a quickie- The good news is that Sadam Hussein is facing the death penalty ... The bad news is that David Beckham is taking it!
Quite frankly I´m p***ed off having to mention personal medical insurance again!
Yet another story gets to me that a dayworker has been injured and had no insurance cover; for the measly cost of a couple of beers a day you can get very adequate cover.
Yachts, marinas and boat yards are places where accidents are literally waiting to happen- get covered.....and, my dear crewmember, don´t assume that the boat´s insurance will cover you when you´re off the boat- check your policy for this one! The next time I hear about someone that´s been injured and has no cover I´m going to take a photo of them and publish it as eedjit of the month!
If you hear some bosun´s pipes around a marina it´s probably local yachtsman, Brent Westwood going aboard a yacht somewhere. Recently Brent was awarded the prestigious Nautical Institute´s Command Diploma by none other than Princess Anne at the NI’s AGM held at Trinity House, London.
Brent also scooped the prize for the highest marks in the diploma! This is no mean task as Brent told me that it took 4 years and more than 170 pages of essays and diagrams.
Jokes apart I´m sure all will join me in congratulating Brent.
Is the whole world going bananas? Whilst we all laughed at the bureaucrats in the EU spending time on deciding how much curvature a banana should have a doctor in Canada was so fed up of his banana, packed in his lunch box, (no, don´t be naughty now!) getting bruised has invented the bananaguard, which keeps them in pristine condition- don´t believe me? Check out the website www.bananaguard.com.
The port authority have announced that they intend to clamp down on speeding within restricted areas with fines ranging from 300 to 1500 Euros. It will be interesting to see how many tickets the boys in Green slap on the fishing boats that habitually career into ports!
STOP PRESS-
Word gets to me that ‘John Player’, the yacht that appeared to have a deathwish by grounding itself outside Portals has finally gone down to Davey Jones’ locker by hitting a rock in the Indian Ocean!