Our intrepid prime minister, Jaume Matas led a group of officials to the Mallorca vs Spartak Moscow football game in February earlier this year. The ministers, including Flaquer, the tourism minister, also entertained a number of Rusky travel agents to the tune of 5,236 Euros for a cocktail party. Fair enough I suppose but I can´t quite see the justification for another little item that has been presented in the trip´s expense sheet totalling 15,000 Euros- 6 tickets to the well-known naughty bar, ´Rasputin´s Erotic Theatre´. Tough work eh? Someone´s got to do it; I being public spirited, have offered my help for the next trip.
What a bloody cheek! In the July 8th issue of the Daily Bull****, to illustrate the story about 60 tons of rubbish collected from the sea in one month, they used a picture of M.Y.Moecca!
France, if not the rest of the world, owes much to the Napoleonic code but new evidence of the great man´s demise has come to light.
The latest speculation is that Bonaparte was killed by over-enthusiastic doctors. Researchers from the San Francisco Medical Examiner´s Department, who studied records of his final weeks, say doctors gave him colonic irrigation each day and purges to relieve intestinal distress. That, they claim, would have triggered a plunge in potassium levels, leading to heart malfunction. Death by enema is hardly a demise fit for a hero; the bottom literally fell out of his world or perhaps more accurately, the reverse?
Now here´s a serious warning.
Beware when you´re using the Park & Fly facility near the airport.
Someone was recently mugged and as the low lifes ran off they were shouting, "Park & Fly, Ha Ha"!
The recent two week ´downtime´ by the internet company, ´Ocea´ caused all sorts of grief.
I hear they are now online again but what it does highlight is the need to have a back-up email address.
As I´ve stated before we´ve been with Atlas, based in Palma, for about 8 years with nothing but excellent service. (They even do any servicing etc in the middle of the night so as not to inconvenience their clients)
Now this is one for someone who is a self confessed fan of Bates (poor soul) who presides not a million miles from Portals!
There´s nothing worse than a snotty doctor´s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor´s reception.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, and what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There´s something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn´t come into a crowded reception and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You´ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.
The man replied, "You shouldn´t ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes for the people in the waiting room to change and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There´s something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can´t piss out of it," the man replied.
The boss is livid with the pig´s ear that the Chamber of Commerce have made of their nautical website.
It really is a farce and will only do further harm to the image of the local marine industry.
Their best bet is to scrap the whole thing.
As he said in a letter that was published in the daily Bull***, "Why oh why do Majorcans not consult anyone outside their little coterie of xenophobic cronies"?
His vitriol has reached the Chamber it is understood and I´m sure he´s off the ´Christmas card list´ and no doubt on ´the shit list´- what´s new?
At Palma´s airport recently, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the airport director said he believes the man is a member of the notorious and dangerous al-gebra movement.
He is being charged by the Guardia Civil with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Guardia Civil spokesman said.
"They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," he declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, the senior officer said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
Now this is true:
The US military has devised a way to ensure its troops in battle need never go hungry - with dried food that can be rehydrated using dirty water or urine.
Perhaps this might stop them P***ing on prisoners in Iraqi jails?
I was recently sent a text message from the UK which read, "Seen on the back of a beer delivery lorry- getting ugly women laid since 1881".
With that in mind I offer you, gentle reader, these sobering facts.
The number of young British women drinking excessively on a regular basis has more than doubled in the past decade.
Statistics show the rise in drinking above safe limits is almost entirely down to female binge drinkers or so-called "lager loutettes".
According to the Office for National Statistics, women drinking to excess increased from one in 10 in 1988-89 to one in six in 2002-03.
The increase is most marked among women aged 16 to 24. All down to Magaluf lads!
Now then, Marg. update time.
The current state of play is that the ex-empress of Calvia is due up before the beak in Palma on the 17th September having ducked and dived a couple of times to avoid a court appearance.
In a recent letter to a local paper she categorically denies that she´s done anything wrong- but so of course did Esmelda Marcos!
It appears that she has proof that she paid back the extravagant meal for two she had in the ´big apple´ on the Calvia council credit card but, and, it´s a bloody big but, there are several other instances of lashing out taxpayers money that seem to be very personal indeed and not on council business.
The list of purchases is far too long to bore you with here but oneŐs a real gem- a bill for 93,000 pesetas in a ´Ruby Murray´ house in London in 1999- that´s a shed load of popadoms in anyone language!
The total misappropriation of funds that she´s accused of now stands at a staggering 154,000 Euros.
Roll on the 17th September I say.
And whilst on the subject the lefty Dailly Bull**** has devoted acres of newsprint to the piffling ´Rasputin´ affair that the government prats dropped themselves into but not a measly centimetre coverage of Marge´s squandermania.
Now unless you´ve lived for some time in Spain I doubt if you´re going to believe this one.
The story of Domingo M..A., a 55 year old resident of El Masnou (Barcelona), started in 1998 when he was stopped by the Guardia Civil for driving at 154 kilometres an hour on the N-430 (Albacete-Valencia). This happens every day on Spain´s main roads, but this particular case made the headlines when it was revealed that the driver was supposedly a blind man.
The matter came to the attention of the Barcelona public prosecutions department and the Mapfre insurance company who reopened a case, dating back two years, in which Domingo M.A. claimed that he had been blinded in a road accident.
His condition was certified by a doctor and the judge ordered Mapfre to award him 540,910 euros. This court case was held just two months before he was stopped for speeding.
Told you that you wouldn´t believe it!
Subject: Having problems with your computer.
This was a real memo sent out by computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate properly or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRUs (Field
Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding you must determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic (US) balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimising your customer satisfaction.
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
I now venture to introduce you to chocolate mathematics!
It takes less than a minute.......
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don´t read the bottom until you´ve worked it out!
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)
3. Add 5. (for Sunday)
4. Multiply it by 50 .........I´ll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1754.... If you
haven´t, add 1753 ....
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
The answer is below.
.
.
.
.
.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are ..
YOUR AGE! ~ ( Oh YES, it IS!!!!! )
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS
Until next time your obedient servant,
Bates