As if just to prove the saying, “there’s always one”, Hamish S. (who keeps his 50’ plastic fantastic in Puerto Paranoia) was the only person to take the bait of the April fool’s story in the April issue regarding the story about a drilling rig being converted into a floating luxury resort (equipped with nuclear bomb-proof personal survival pods) to be moored just outside Balearic waters. The not-so canny Jock asked for a brochure and CD for himself and “Many of my friends, who also have boats”.
I have informed him of the wheeze and also thought it my duty to give him the bad news that he should also reconsider his belief in Santa and the tooth fairy and have sent him a Master Bates cap instead. I trust he will accept it with good grace, a guffaw and will wear (limited edition- Sunseeker caps are two a penny!) it with pride.
Young Spaniards take longer than their fellow Europeans to leave home. According to a report carried out by the Instituto de la Juventud, 51 per cent of 18 to 35 year olds live with their parents. Of the young people interviewed in their thirties 20 per cent still live with their parents.
The high price of property and rentals, low salaries and a lack of stable employment is said to combine to make it increasingly difficult for the young to live independently from their parents.
I, of course, have other ideas why the mollycoddled, little egotists find it difficult to flee the parental nest and leave mama’s apron strings.
Which, almost seamlessly, leads me to put this thought to you gentle reader.
Who was Jesus? There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Spanish: 1. He went into His Father´s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
There are also 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother". 2. He liked Gospel. 3. He couldn´t get a fair trial.
But finally, feminists will tell you that the most compelling evidence of all points to the fact that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment´s notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn´t get it. 3.Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
Hallelujah! They are working on a new local environmental law that will allow the immediate removal of noisy vehicles from the road along with a bloody big fine. This I think is the only route because a far as I can see the only time the social conscience of the average Spaniard gets an airing is when he has to open his wallet. Unfortunately it takes time for these laws to be passed so you can expect those bloody idiots on mopeds to be ear-bustingly buzzing around for some time yet; many of whom are destined to end up as a bunch of flowers stuck to a lamp-post, tree or road-side wall! More good news on this front. The government are likely to raise the minimum age of moped drivers from 14 to 16.
Women’s Institute members are advised to skip this paragraph.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, What are you doing? She answers, “I´m moving to Paris as I’ve heard prostitutes there get paid 400 Euros for doing what I do for you for free”. Later that night, on her way
out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he´s going, he replies, “I´m coming too; I want to see how someone like you, can live on 400 Euros a year”.
Oi vey! I’ve seen some crass (by Polly Filler) editorial in my time but did you see this, recently in the D. Bull****?
I quote, “A love affair that began at the bacon counter of a Sainsbury supermarket six years ago yesterday reached its romantic climax in the shadow of King Juan Carlos´ imposing palace in Cala Mayor. With Robert Ellis, Majorca´s own Anglican padre, at the check-out conducting the ceremony on the sun-drenched patio of the Edificio Pelicano,…”.
It went on to quote the groom, “Just to prove I am not stingy I will bring her back to the island and take her to the bacon counter at the Porto Pi supermercado on our wedding anniversary next year just to remind her how it all started”.
Oh, oh! Poor old “Pedro’s Boats” quay in Mahon, where various private boats moor has been “smacked”…. again! This time, by the cruise ship, Kristina Regina with the result of two boats being, “completely destroyed” and two, “severely damaged”! Perhaps a place to avoid?
Here’s an interesting letter from a reader.
Dear M. Bates, My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring from the market the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We´ve discovered that when I´m in a good mood, it turns green. When I´m in a bad mood, it leaves a bloody big red mark on his forehead. Do you think I should tell him that he should have bought me a diamond ring?
Should any of you dear readers need any more proof of the lunacy of socialist Spanish politicians cop this beauty! Spain could soon become the first country in the whole wide world to give chimpanzees, gorillas, orang-utans and other great apes some of the fundamental rights granted to human beings under a law being proposed by members of the ruling Socialist coalition.
The law would eliminate the concept of "ownership" (privately or in zoos) for great apes, instead placing them under the "moral guardianship" of the state, much as is the case for children in care, the severely handicapped and those in comas. Chumps debating chimps!
Well, Palma council have announced a plan to buy and offer the free use of bicycles in the city. If you flash a “green” tourist or citizen’s card you can pedal around for nowt. Call me a twisted, old, cynical bast*** if you will but I think I’ll start a sweepstake on how long it takes for them all to disappear- my money is on less than a month.
Here’s something for your diary; 12-16 July. On these dates, at the IFEBAL fair site on the Polígono de Levante near the GESA building in Palma, the first Palma Erotic Fair is being held. There’s all sorts of naughty things to buy, view, eat and drink I’m told and it’s all organised by…and no, I promise I’m not making it up, Sara Kunz! Get a preview, and check it out at www.salonseda.com.
I read with interest that the council have given “Pirates” two months to remove the tarmac that they laid for a car park next to their place in Shagaluf because it did not have planning permission.
They have also stated that it has to revert to how it was before it was tidied up. So therefore, if you have any building rubble, exploded sofas, ripped mattresses, rusting old fridges and washing machines that you want shot of, you now know where you can dump them, with, what appears to be council approval!
It looks as if the Santa Ponsa country club is having difficulty in attracting members. In a recent ad it offered a free check-up session in the spa (50 Euros), a free mountain bike (150 Euros) and 100 Euros off the joining fee to new members.
Personally I’m not surprised because I can’t remember a copy of Celebrity magazine not plugging the place. I would humbly suggest that this is pretty solid proof that, contrary to that old saying, there is indeed such a thing as bad publicity!
What would you say was the fifth biggest industry in the Balearics?
Well you’d probably guess wrong because according to professor Luis Ballester, (of the Mallorcan University ) who conducted the research- it’s prostitution: turning over an estimated 50 million Euros a year.
If you want to know more get up to the Uni- I’m sure you’ll recognise him instantly; he’s the one with a tweed jacket, corduroys, brogues and a grin from ear to ear!
Spain has just snatched a title from Britain - that of having the most number of prisoners per 100,000 inhabitants of all the European Union countries. The UK has held the record since 2003 but now, with a prison population of more than 63,000, or 146 per 100,000 in habitants, Spain is ahead of Britain´s 139. Andalucia is the region with most prisoners, over 13,500, and Navarra is at the bottom of the list, with only 228 prisoners.
Here’s an interesting experiment. Cordoba City Council and the Alcohol and Society Foundation have just begun an experiment - to give prizes to young people who refrain from drinking during the weekend "botellones" or street parties.
Those who want to take part are given a breathalyser test at the beginning of the botellon, followed by another when the event starts to break up, usually in the wee hours of the morning. The ones who pass the test are offered a choice of prizes, including a 20-euro token for petrol.
Marg update. All is not lost in the various cases brought against the ex-empress of Calvia. After a couple of years the local magistrate, Ana María San José is still looking into the accusations that under Marg’s spendthrift, looney left council a company called Estrategia Local “were paid astronomical fees for a couple of dubious reports”. And guess who was the major shareholder of EL? Yep-Marg!
I’m afraid I do not know the local lingo equivalent of, “I’m alright Jack” but I’m sure it has recently been uttered by Calvia’s deputy mayor Canellas, one of “Princess” Munar’s UM fawning acolytes. Recently Canellas has been Cheshire cating for the press shots of him announcing the new Paguera- Es Capdella walk-way. What he didn’t mention, but has now come to light is that somehow, the route, planned back in 2002, after an exhaustive study by a prestigious, national, urban architect consultancy, has been altered. And guess what? The new deviation introduced by Calvia’s roads and works department shifts the track away from land owned by Canellas onto his neighbour’s which is now due to be expropriated to make way for ramblers. There are no prizes for guessing who is the top dog of Calvia’s roads and works dept! To remind readers, it was Canellas who threw his toys out of his pram when the other Calvia UM councillor resigned from the UM because he, “put citizens of Calvia before UM politics”. I hope the Calvia voters take note of this, another example of the UM’s distain for Calvia citizens outside their self-centred little coterie.
And yet more monkey business by the UM! The president of the Colombian immigrants association has claimed that he was offered a 12,000 Euro cash back-hander to affiliate to the UM. Oh yes, the elections are looming next year and no doubt we’ll see even more dirty tricks in the meantime that would make the Mafiosi blush!
The Mounties always get their man.
"This is a first for us," said a spokesman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Nova Scotia. Now that same-sex marriage is legal in Canada, two Mounties are getting married. Const. Jason Tree, 27, and Const. David Connors, 28, work in different divisions of the RCMP, but have known each other since college. And, they say, they´ve gotten terrific support from their co-workers. "I´ve never had a single problem" from fellow Mounties, Tree said.
A dope peddler? "Defendant Stole Bicycle to Get to Court on Time" -- London Guardian headline.
Until next month have a good season and keep cool!
Yours, Bates