In attempts (mostly frustrated) to put into some sort of perspective the crap one hears and reads about good old Blighty, I often scan the news from over the pond in the US of A.
I offer you these two snippets.
Although now cancelled, OJ Simpson was about to cash in, again, on the most pooh-poohed acquittal in murder trial history. Simpson was paid $3.5 million up-front for a book entitled ´If I Did It´. The book describes, fully, frankly, graphically and incredibly tastelessly, how OJ Simpson might have killed his wife Nicole and Ronald Goldman... “if” he had actually done it. Essentially - ´If I did it, I would have done it like this.´ It´s a strange idea. Can you imagine Michael Jackson writing ´If I really were a dirty old boy-buggering, plastic gobbed, pervert´….or perhaps you can!
And get this for zero tolerance policing.
On a recent Saturday afternoon, 17-year-old Roger Holyfield was sighted wandering around Jerseyville, in Illinois, carrying a bible and yelling out, ´I want Jesus!´ So, naturally, local police shot him dead. There are two possible explanations for this. A, they genuinely wanted to help him achieve his stated goal and chose merely to speed up the process. Or - and, my money is on this option - They´re actually a bunch of tiny-minded armed thugs.
The police at first tried to calm the disturbed teen - probably by shouting at him to drop his bible and lie down on the ground with his hands on his head, but Holyfield, being mental, refused to comply. So, they Tasered him.
Even then, as the 50,000 volts made an epileptic of him, Holyfield refused to stop jerking about. So they shot him again.
Then they flew him to a local hospital where he died the next day.
Job done.
That´ll teach him to reach out to the Lord.
To follow up on last month’s sermon regarding the dangers of CH3CH2OH (booze as you and I know it) I bring you this info which I trust you will bear in mind during the impending circuit of yuletide piss-ups.
Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker´s vision.
It seems that the drink-fuelled phenomenon has the effect of transforming supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after.
Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor.
Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker´s own eyesight and the room´s smokiness.
The distance between two people is also a factor.
They all add up to make the aesthetically-challenged more attractive, according to the formula.
The formula can work out a final score, ranging from less than one - where there is no beer goggle effect - to more than 100.
Nathan Efron, Professor of Clinical Optometry at the University of Manchester, said: "The beer goggles effect isn´t solely dependent on how much alcohol a person consumes, there are other influencing factors at play too.
"For example, someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect."
The research was commissioned by eye care firm Bausch & Lomb PureVision.
A poll showed that 68% of people had regretted giving their phone number to someone to whom they later realised they were not attracted.
A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive".
Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive appears to look like a super model.
It has taken 20 years but justice has now been done regarding one of the shenanigans of the ex-empress Marg. of Calvia.
In a recent council meeting it was agreed that Calvia would “obey a judgement” and return a plot of land in Santa Ponsa to its rightful owner after it was illegally grabbed by Marg and her looney left spendthrifts who ran the council back then.
This has resulted in the judge to say that it was “an abuse of power”.
Which brings me to a warning to all Calvia residents.
It seems that some “right to vote” mailings have “gone astray” in the municipality.
These are forms that a resident must fill in (even if you’re a registered and fully paid up resident) to be able to vote in the municipal elections next May. If you want to vote (and your vote is very important) get onto the foreigners dept (971 139185), and find out what you must do.
It is ludicrous that in the latest propaganda sheet from the looney left PSOE, Marg actually features on the front cover. (What will they follow that up with? An interview with Garry Glitter on his thoughts on running a play school?) If you want someone who has now been condemned by a judge as an “abuser of power” to get her mitts on the council coffers (again), totally ignore the above and stick your head into the nearest sand-pit!
Here’s a puzzle one for you logical types to ponder.
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a huge, galloping pig which you cannot overtake. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
See the answer at the end of the article.
According to a recent “forum” held in Palma, sports tourism brings the Balearics in 610 million Euros per year.
Further, they have estimated that “nautical tourism” is the biggest contributor at 65%; golf responsible for 26% and cycling pedalling behind at 9%.
I would like to ask therefore why the locals seem to think it’s OK to completely **ck up traffic by closing major roads for what is in essence the equivalent of the all inclusive, arse-end, sector of sports tourism? As I have said before, if these lycra lout, neon prats want to whiz around on two wheels, let them do it round poligonos on week-ends (until they disappear up their own Sturmley Archers for all I care) and let the rest of us (who have one) get on with life.
With the yuletide looming here’s a sobering thought for you. It appears that there are no less than 50,000 credit card frauds of one type or another recorded per year in the Balearics (351,000 in Spain)- take special care of your plastic during this high spending period! Might be a good idea to just carry cash, not forgetting the emergency 20 (taxi home) note in your left shoe.
Whilst the mierda was hitting the ventilador in Andratx town hall regarding the alleged corruption, back handers etc. you might have missed some ripples in the waters in the Club de Vela in Puerto Andratx. After what seems a bloody long time, the new 30 year concession has been quietly signed (on the very day the curtain was raised on the town hall pantomime) in favour of the old junta of the Club de Vela.
The 475 mooring marina has been valued at 21 million Euros and the Club de Vela have to pay just over 1 million to renew their control. As regular readers will recall there was ineed considerable controversy over the bidding for the new concession (par for the course) which ended up with writs flying all over the place and the protracted delay in the concession being ratified. The concession is awarded by the organisation, Ports de Illes Baleares, who’s president is Mabel Cabrer. Is this the same Mabel that has been a member of the Club de Vela since she was a child and is now part of the committee and was accused by at least one of the other concession bidders as being biased in favour of the “old guard”? Oh yes indeedy-nudge, nudge- say no more-know what I mean squire!
Well at least some justice is being seen to be done. The concessionaire company that overstretched it’s rights to place buoys (and to charge for using them) in Formentor have been well and truly slapped on the wrist to the tune of 108,000 Euros. It is also very much on the cards that their concession for 2007 is likely to be cancelled too. This does not necessarily mean that there will be no “paid for buoys” but there will certainly be far less of them in the future.
Lastly, here’s a warning to those of you buzzing around in non-Spanish plated cars. Be aware, that following a recent road block in Cala Mayor that pulled 19 foreign plated cars over, the boys in blue found that they could slap a denuncia on 80% of them for one thing or another (mainly no test certificate or valid insurance). Because of this they have decided to step up these type of road blocks around the island. You have been warned!
Puzzle answer: Get off the children´s Merry Go Round- you´re bladdered!
Until next year...
Bates