It is very rare of me to applaud anything coming out of Brussels but a recent ruling that effects Spain is welcomed.
It was only because of this ruling that I realised that the traditional “matances”, (where pigs are killed in the farms to make various local delicacies) have been what can only be called barbaric. Previous to this European directive the pigs had their throats cut and were bled to death whilst being fully conscious! Now these “butchers” quite rightly have to stun or anaesthetise the poor porkers before killing them.
Now I offer some advice to husbands.
When you see your wife running around the garden disorientated and covered in blood ...... Don´t Panic ...Stay Calm.....Wait until she stops and… take careful aim & squeeze the trigger again.
Now for all you miserable gits out there (who read the above without a smidgen of a snigger) here’s some news.
Scientists studying how the brain responds to emotive sounds believe they understand why. Researchers have shown that positive sounds such as a giggle or a shout of triumph trigger an involuntary response in the brain that prepares facial muscles to join in, helping forge social bonds. Further, laughter protects the heart and serves to reduce blood pressure; an occasional chuckle increases tolerance of pain, reduces allergic reactions and bolsters the immune system and a belly-laugh brings a rush of endorphins, the body´s natural opiates, similar to that triggered by brisk exercise…so lighten up will you?
It may have escaped your attention but a recent survey published in the magazine “Interviu” revealed that (above the Spanish national average) 33.3% of Balearic islanders constantly have sex on their minds.
The survey further points out that an astonishing 13% are sadomasochists and an alarming 52.2% are into sodomy!
What, has that got to do with me, a Jonny foreigner, you may ask? Well, bear these figures in mind when doing business with a local as it is pretty obvious they are likely to want you to inflict a little pain to close a deal and that more than half of them will be inclined to shaft you in the process!
As the panic buying of Christmas pressies is now over (for another year) I offer you an interesting story.
A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic but not too personal.
Then accompanied by his sweetheart´s younger sister, he went to Harrods and bought a nice pair of warm white gloves. The sister bought a pair of silk panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the shop assistant mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all! I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night!"
All My Love.
P.S. The shop assistant told me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
The politicians are being hoist on their own petards by the Spanish Gender Equality Law which will come into effect before next year´s municipal elections. The law wants an equal number of male and female politicians at both local and national level although it will settle for a mixture of 60% of one and 40% of the other. However, in some parts of the country not all the parties are going to be able to come up with enough women and will have to "import" them from other areas where there is a surplus, which would seem to make a mockery of the word ´local".
We woz right! Whilst many millions of pounds in foreign aid, promised by governments to the tsunami disaster-hit areas, have not been paid two years after the Boxing Day tsunami - which killed 230,000 people, the fishing boat we (Islander readers and friends) bought directly from the builder was launched on the 17th March 2006 and has since been providing a living for a group of fishermen in the village of Ta Ma-prao in the province of Krabi, Thailand- take another bow folks!
Oh-oh the Andratx corruption case thickens and widens to the nautical business!
It appears that the boys in blue have found a very incriminating letter to one of the naughty boys (Juame Massot) pulled in by the fuzz over backhanders, money laundering and other dodgy, typically Spanish activities in Andratx am Rhein.
Apparently, very neatly, hand written in English, it offers 250,000 Euros if the concession for the construction and running of the much awaited (talks about it go back to 1987) marina in San Telmo opposite Dragonera is “guided in the right direction”. It further states that, “you will cop the dosh within 30 days of the concession being awarded to us” The original plan in the 80’s (which was summarily squashed by the left-wing government’s moratorium) was for a proper marina with all the bars, restaurants, bells and whistles with 350 moorings up to 22 metres. I’m sure the writer’s name will come out in time and all I can say is that a prat that keeps a letter like that deserves to be banged up!
For those of you that just love the smell of money, I bring you news of an added bonus!
A study has suggested that traces of cocaine can be found on 94% of euro banknotes circulating in Spain. Analysis of notes from a selection of Spain´s major cities has showed that each one is carrying an average of 25.18 micrograms of cocaine.
According to El Mundo, Spain has just over one billion banknotes in circulation,with estimates suggesting that 142 million have been used directly to snort the drug.
The Mallaga province “Antibotellón” law, which came into effect last week promises tougher stances on those caught drinking or disrupting the peace on the street. Heavy fines of up to 300 euros may also now be issued to offenders, and one of the biggest changes involves action taken against underage drinkers. Prior to the new law, formal letters were sent by police officers to the parents of underage drinkers who had been caught on the streets. However, the new law states that in such cases, the parents of young offenders may now have to pay the fines, and offenders under 18, but over 16 may be obliged to carry out 30 day periods of social and community service for offending. If the sentence is not complied with, the youngsters will then be forced to pay the fine. Re-offenders caught drinking in public places, or urinating in the street or littering, more than once within the same year will face heavy fines of up to 60,000 euros.
I hope and trust that the local government will take a look at this.
If you need a reminder of Blighty going down the pan cop this ‘un!
A food company has been warned it could face legal action over the name of its Welsh Dragon Sausages.
Trading standards said Black Mountains Smokery in Powys must also include the type of meat used in the sausages - pork - to meet labelling regulations.
Jon Carthew , the boss of the firm in Crickhowell said pork was listed on the label and called it "bureaucracy gone mad". "I don´t think any of our customers actually believe that we use dragon meat in our sausages.
"We use the word because the dragon is synonymous with Wales and I think everyone who buys from us knows that."
More than 200,000 of the sausages made from pork, leek and hot chilli are sent to UK restaurants and shops each year. They are supplied by local butcher Cashell and Son, who have also received the trading standards´ warning letter. But officials explained that they would not want vegetarians to buy the product by mistake thinking they were meat free. Consumer watchdogs took action after being tipped off that the sausages were in breach of the 1996 Food Labelling Act.
It’s enough to make ‘er indoors breath fire- but that’s another story!
I’ve had a number of people asking me (and Calvia town hall I understand) about the recent front page story of the local “Weakly” rag promising “hundreds of berths for marine craft” in a new development in Magaluf- what a load of old poppy-cock!
The plan to create a marina in the Magaluf area was permanently knocked on the head some years ago.
If my memory serves me well, the week before they had to print an apology and correction that someone that they said had had died was very much alive and well- Oi vey!
You might well say, “serves you bloody well right- Humbug”!
I refer to Xmas and New Year in chez Bates.
Santa managed to bring us 2 cases over the festive period – no, not a fine Rioja or Cava- premier cuvee flu!
And yes, we forgot to get a jab this year, thanks for asking, smarty pants!
But to top it all, Frankie (our cat who, in our house, has more rights and privileges than a single parent, lesbian, yashmak sporting, asylum seeker in the UK) went awol for 5 days only to drag himself back on New Year’s day with a black eye, bits of his ear missing, and generally looking like he’d had an argument with a crocodile.
So, if your pit-bull or Argy attack dog is missing a leg or it’s arse, nip round and we might be able to find it in Frankie’s litter tray and remember….. keep the yapping turd machine on a lead in future…Frankie’s pissed off...big time and has no doubt decided upon his new years’ resolution-revenge-you have been warned!
I, on the other hand, being of a gentle disposition, wish you all well for 2007.
Bates