What ever you do be double careful if you`re in Port Soller, particularly before nine in the morning and after around seven in the evening.
On the 30th December last year, around six in the morning a 26 year old local hit the rocks in Cap Gross and smashed his chest very badly on the steering console. After the collision, his aunt, who was accompanying him (who suffered no injuries) managed to get the motor launch to Soller within minutes.
From there it took an ambulance 2 hours to get the injured guy to San Latzer hospital where he died! Why? There aint no 24/7 ambulance coverage in Port Soller would you believe!
Here, I bring you a recent scientific study. It found that women find different male images attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,masculine features, muscular and athletic.
And just before she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his arse.
Fascinating eh?
An American consumer association regularly gives awards for the wackiest warning on consumer goods.
In this year’s list, honourable mentions went to a phonebook which advised: "Please do not use this directory while operating a moving vehicle". Second prize went to an engine manufacturer which warned "Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level". Warnings not to dry wet mobile phones in microwave ovens and not to iron lottery tickets tied for third place.
And how about the first prize….taraa…“Do not put persons in the dishwasher”.
On the subject of the US of A here is a transcript of a conversation between Georges Bush Snr and Jr.
Snr. Y’know son, I made exactly the same mistake with your good ‘ol mom as you did with Iraq.
Jr. Aw shucks Pop, what’s that?
Snr. I just didn’t pull out early enough to avoid a world shattering disaster!
Whispers around Porto Cristo are of a large new marina development. Planned to take 10 years and to cost 60 million Euros it includes a marina with single story buildings for bars, restaurants, offices etc. with 400 moorings.
The plan also includes the construction of a 6 hectare, navigable,salt-water lagoon and at a later stage a high class hotel.
Would be investors should search out the developers, “El Balcón delMediterráneo”.
Remember, your read it here first folks!
The magazine, Holiday Which recently turned the spotlight on Mallorcan holidays which showed and incredible differential in prices between booking through a travel agent and online. They took, as an example a two week holiday for 2 adults and 2 children in the Sol Magaluf Park hotel.
The most expensive was Thomas Cook´s JMC brand, which had a brochure price of £2,165. This same holiday was £1,917 in the Airtours (MyTravel) brochure, First Choice had a brochure price of £2,157 and Skytours, which is part of Thomson, charged £1,942 based on a brochure booking.
If however anyone surfing the net would find the cheapest price was the Airtours (My Travel) quoted at £1,617. No wonder UK high street travel agents are going down the Swanee!
The set anchorages in Portocolom have been considerably increased to 141 now with 5 for 20 metre boats. This increase plus a new 60 metre mooring quay which can take 26 yachts up to 12 metres greatly increases the capacity of this popular “stop-off” venue for yachts cruising the Eastern coast.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up the bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to please empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand now," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it´s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
The “men in grey suits” have been sniffing around the quays and have slapped a denuncia on around 50 individuals for fraud.
Allegedly these people were trying to avoid matriculation tax by buying yachts and claiming they were going to be chartered whilst they were in fact being used privately. This tax concession is available for craft between 7.5 and 15 metres.
It appears that the taxmen are in cahoots with the charter companies- you have been warned!
Now then, those of you who own moorings or those that are thinking of buying moorings take careful note.
Whenever you hear, “don’t worry, your rights will be protected in the new concession” think of, “the cheque is in the post” and other such often broken promises!
Those who had bought moorings in the recent years breathed a sigh of relief when the new concession in Andratx club de Vela was awarded to the previous management.
However this sigh has been converted into a sharp intake of breath, akin to a swift kick in the cojones when a recent club meeting cancelled all ownerships, absorbing all the moorings back into the club, with club members only having guaranteed moorings with preferential mooring fees.
I’m told that club membership is a cool 30K.
It must be remembered that the end of a concession is the end and that’s it- don’t bank on any extension!
Here’s a good one.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
The woman´s husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That´s nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad´s outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are again in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."
A few days later, the
boys´ father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let´s go outside and have a game.
The boy says, "I can´t, I sold my ball and boots."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That´s terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I´m going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don´t start that shit again. You´re in my cupboard now!”
The local elections are looming, the voting date being 27th May. However another important date is the cut off point to register your intention to vote- 16th April.
It is important to know that although you may be registered on the “padron” you must complete a separate form to be included in the electoral census. You can either get these from your town hall or if you send me your e.mail address to (masterbates@atlas.com.es) I can email you a form (in JPEG format) to print out, complete and deliver (with your ID) to your respective town hall.
Well the green light has been finally given to expand Port Adriano (El Toro) and the breakwater is expected to be completed by this December! All in all it will add 82 new moorings ranging from 20 to 60 metres, a new and enlarged boat yard, 720 parking places and a number of new buildings for business and leisure locals.
Looks like this will be Mallorca’s premier marina of the future!
I hear that BYP are still whingeing about the Balearic Port authority giving Palma’s boat yard concession to another company and have gone to court. They are accusing the Port Authority’s president, Joan Verger of an action that is prohibited by a public employee.
If you ask anyone who has an objective view it’s a load of toys out of the pram with the only winners being (as usual) the unmasked Dick Turpins of this world i.e. lawyers!
I leave you this month with yet another example of our noble Queen´s stoic devotion to duty!
Click on STOIC top right of this column
Toodle-pip,
Bates