Here we go again, "I wish someone had told me, etc etc etc".
The stories are now coming out about "British" Peter Wilkinson who has been featured in the letters pages of the last two issues.
As we´ve said before, if you get stung by someone for God´s sake write in - it will hopefully prevent other people getting done.
On the same subject the cheeky ***tard had our logo on one of his sites (unauthorised of course) which made it look like The Islander supported him!
On the subject of his websites, one he is running is called, ´The Tradingpost Mallorca´.
Considering his alleged past record with someone giving him their credit card number I certainly will not be going near it with a barge pole. When you look further into the site it´s based in the Virgin Islands and the address for any correspondence is St Helier Jersey; looks about as Kosher as a bacon sandwich at a Bar Mitzvah to me!
The Greeks like a laff don´t they?
After having completely denied the pass-time of ´plane-spotting´ and given ridiculous sentences to a few Brit. anoraks, what did they recently hold at Athens International Airport?
An exhibition called "Plane-spotting Passion", which consists of photographs of aircraft by three Greeks-duh?
Can you believe it? Calvia council is up to it´s cojones in debt and Marge and her band of spendthrifts have pushed through via various financial institutions yet another loan of 18 million Euros!
For Christ sake let´s get rid of these maniacs!
Wow, the Government are investing in an exciting new scheme to attract ´quality tourists´. An investment of 10.2 million Euros is buying new ´panoramic view´ railway stock
Will someone please tell the Government that although anoraks have plenty of pockets they tend to be stuffed with timetables and Mars bars wrappers....not money!
Which brings me to another point.
The politicians fawn, dribble and grovel around the celebs like Michael Douglas, Claudia Schiffer, Bonker Becker etc. But wait, think a moment; when do these celebs use a taxi, a bar, a restaurant, buy a souvenir, a beach ball, a towel depicting a dozen fornicating positions, ´large it´ in BCM?
In short they contribute the square root of ´F´ all to the tourist industry whilst Joe Bloggs and Adolf Schmetterling a.k.a. non-quality tourists are the ones who have and, in reality, always will feed those involved in the bulk of local tourism who have seen around 15% layoffs from work this year!
And, whilst I´ve got a head of steam up, what do you make of this Snr. Alomar (top dog of the local anti-tourist squad)?
The national Spanish Tourism Board has just announced that overall in Spain the number of foreign tourists in 2002 will be 2% up on last year, with regions like Valencia and Catalunya showing a 10% growth rate...and you´re pissing away tourist tax money on planting bloody carob and almond trees in the back of beyond where Bloggs and Schmetterling will never venture; and, on the subject of the tourist tax, it´s to be raised by 2.7% in January 2003; next we´ll hear that the government will be backing a local lead balloon factory!
What an unfortunate name for a manufacturer of Italian Sports Cruisers; ´Fiart´. I can visualise the promotional literature;
´Get away from the drudgeries of life; disappear over the horizon in a Fiart´!
Bringing you the most up to date info on medicine, drinking red wine halves your chances of senile dementia. Drinking beer doubles them.
So says a study by Dr Thomas Truelson from Denmark published in the American medical review, ´Neurology´.
The drinking habits of 1,709 inhabitants of Copenhagen were studied in the 1970s. In the 1990s they investigated the same group. Despite criticising the limited nature of the survey, Dr John Burst of New York, an expert, observed that the study demonstrated that there is something specifically beneficial in wine.
In the same vein,a friend of mine was telling me over a few scoops of golden neck oil that he has written to the Cruzcampo beer company offering to settle out of court or he´ll sue them for repetitive action syndrome. He claims that, due to their product, he´s developed debilitating, searing pains in his right elbow and shoulder!
Well the inevitable has happened, the American navy has been allowed back into Palma. The excuse was that there was no room but the major worry was about security and I would guess the pressure to allow them to return was economic; the Yanks contributing greatly to the economy on R&R (It´s all smiles again up in the Cowboy Bar).
I would suggest on past experience they´ve got more chance of being attacked by one of the local (or should that be loco?) tugs than any deranged ragheads!
Look out; the thought police are out again. Apparently the ultra right neo-Nazis, the British National Party think that JRR Tolkien´s works will, "Stir the feelings of our racial and national struggle to win back our homeland", and they recommend all their members to go to see the ´Lord Of the Rings´ films. This has led a few lefty limp-wristed anoraks to throw their arms up in alarm.
Both camps are obviously completely potty to give children´s fiction such gravitas.
If I was the leader of the BNP I´d recommend to members to get a video of ´Roots´ and play it backwards so it´s got a happy ending!
Now that we´re on the subject of racism, with due respect to our Aryan cousins did you hear what inspector Daniel Kolar of the Prague police said about Brits on the **ss?
"They are more pleasant drunk that the Germans are when they are sober".
Don´t get your lederhosen in a twist with me, I´m just the messenger!
Bates is a difficult name to go through life with but one Bates Namuyamba, Zimbabwe´s finance and commerce minister is really living up to it.
Conservative estimates put inflation at 175% with their highest denomination bank note of 500 Dollars worth 33 cents, US or Euro.
Just because the place hasn´t got much oil it surely doesn´t mean that the UK, US and the UN should ignore this reign of squandering tyranny headed by comrade E Ba Gum surely?
Talking of ´Bateses´ I had quite a ´vapour´ as I was perusing Liz´s New Years honours list:
Yes, yes, ohhhhh, yes!
A Knighthood for Bates.
No, no, oh no!
Sir Alan Bates... for services to acting and charity and not my good self.
However, the fact that that obviously jolly spiffing chap, Lt Col Digby Jeremie Willoughby (executive secretary of St Moritz toboganning club) was given an MBE encouraged my sponsors (mummy and aunt Fanny) to send in a letter to Buck. House early next year and my services to the Palma Light Horse spoofing and fart-lighting club will surely be acknowledged next year.
ABTA president, Stephen Bath recently said,
"Films and television programmes can be extremely effective in promoting specific holiday destinations".
On the other hand of course you´ve got, Passport to the Sun (a.k.a. Pisspots in the Sun) and a local tourism crisis- ´nuff said?
A word of warning, There are a number of clever photocopies of 50 Euro notes in circulation. The low-lifes tend to pass them at late-night and low-lit bar and clubs- be aware!
If you win the lottery it might make sense to get a relative over from your homeland to collect it; the men in grey suits have created a database with the names and fiscal details of all those who have claimed National Lottery prize money. The special tax surveillance, which started with the Christmas ´El Gordo´ draw, will be extended to Primitiva, football pools, Red Cross lottery and ONCE lottery winners.
One of the advantages of being an ex-pat is that one can puff out one´s chest and pontificate that, "Blighty´s gone to the dogs since one left".
The inmates certainly seem to be running the asylum.
A recent politically correct court award in Grantham is mind boggling.
It appears that a deaf man was awarded £7000 compensation when a local hospital rejected his application as a telephone operator on the switchboard. The tribunal said that the hospital had discriminated against him by, "not reducing the telephone element in the job"´! Look out for a flurry of blind applicants to drive buses and trains.
All you bikers out there stop tinkering with your turbos and concentrate for a minute.
Ever thought about your final journey? The Leicester based, Rev Paul Sinclair (known as the Faster Pastor to his flock) has fitted a sidecar to his Triumph specially designed to carry a coffin.
He plans to have a fleet of "HarleyHearses" through the UK. Check out www.fasterpastor.com- I kid you not gentle reader!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let´s see now . . .
No beer, No booze, No bars. No TV, No glossy mags, No football, No cricket, No basketball, No hockey, No golf.
No parties, No BBQs, No hot dogs, No burgers.
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he´s sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the tone-deaf guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas, No Christmas cake.
You can´t shave, Your wife can´t shave.
You can´t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has better manners and disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I can´t see any mystery here?
Although in the past I have moaned about ´Yank Speak´ these are gems.
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of this year´s winning entries:
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. 2.Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
4. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
5. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
6. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
7. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
8. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
9. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
10. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
This, no doubt, will definitely get me banned from the broker´s lunch next Christmas!
A yacht broker was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil told the broker,
"I have a proposition for you. You can sell every boat you list, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.
All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife´s soul, your children´s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and partners."
The broker, thought about this for a moment, then asked,
"So, what´s the catch?"
And here´s one for all you misogynist golfers out there:
A man staggers into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife´s golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow´s arse. That´s when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"
And lastly, don´t forget, here in Mallorca if it wasn´t for pick-pockets and frisking at airports many people would have no sex life at all!
Have a good year!
Bates