Our glorious leading politician, Snr. Antich is at it again; electioneering at our expense! His latest great socialist gesture was a jolly with 17 pressmen and 13 VIPs to Gallicia which of course included limousines, a private coach and a slap-up lunch so that he could be photographed in his pristine overalls squelching around on the oil blackened shore. It´s estimated that this slick photocall cost us taxpayers around 13.400 Euros. But of course the Balearics can afford this can´t it? Highest inflation, highest cost of housing, the highest unemployment figures, highest number of hotels closed in 20 years, etc etc!
As a recent editorial in one of the local papers said, "With all of these facts and despite warnings from businessmen, the government continues to say that the economy is in excellent condition and it´s all scaremongering".
A couple of pithy statements come to mind;
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
I don´t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the acts. -- Will Rogers
The government is like a baby´s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
What this country needs are some more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley
Here´s one for you ladies (if there are any who read this)!
Local media reports that the CIA recently had a vacancy for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists - two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can´t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said: "Then you´re not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can´t kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don´t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman´s turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks... I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Those unsolicited emails can become a bit of a pain but sometimes their random juxtaposition make me think.
Recently I received three in a row.
An offer of a university degree; another to make my willy bigger and one offering a bowel cleansing treatment.
I immediately deleted them! Who wants to be told that you´re an ignorant little prick who´s full of shit?
The French have yet again shown their true colours re. the EU.
The ´Frogs´ have decided to impose a 2 Euro per litre tax on ´strong beer´ claiming that it´s motivated to counter alcoholism.
Funny; the tax isn´t to be applied on other ´strong´ beverages (which France produces and necks tanker-loads of).
But of course who will lose from this?
Their neighbours, the Belgians who specialise in and, up till now, have sold plenty of ´stong beer´ in France!
As you have probably seen ad nauseam on BBC, ITN, CNN etc, etc, that the Master Bates shove-ha´penny team has elected to postpone the home rubber against the team from the ´Dictator´s Arms´ in Baghdad in the quarter finals of the world championships until the Iraqi problem is resolved. This I hasten to tell you is not (unlike England´s namby-pamby cricketers) a fear of personal security but because after a skin-full of San Miguel and a few sobrasada butties our star player, Tarquin Tabernacle, can ´let one off´ clearing the bar, the street; even the municipality.
We are in fear of him being recognised, kidnapped and used against the West as a true weapon of mass destruction.
I´m sure you know similar flatulent, indoor athletes and I urge you not to let them fall into the fanatics hands!
When you next have a whinge about lost luggage consider this story:
When Ana Cuillar Padilla went to collect the coffin that had been flown to Malaga on an Iberia flight from Barcelona, she could not believe her eyes. Instead of the mortal remains of her mother she found she had been sent the body of a complete stranger.
Isabel Padilla Guerrero, who died at her home near Paris on January 8th at the age of 96, had expressed a wish to be buried in her native San Pedro Alcantara. So, despite the cost of 6,600 euros, the family arranged to have her body flown to Malaga and booked a funeral service at the San Pedro cemetery.
After the shocking discovery that the wrong body had been delivered Ana was joined at the airport by her brother Roque, who was astonished to find that nobody from the airline was able to tell them where their mother was.
Eventually, after more than two hours, Ana and Roque were informed that their mother´s coffin was at Santiago de Compostela airport, the real destination of the body of 55 year old Galician, Rosa Alvarez, the stranger in the coffin.
By the time the right coffin finally arrived in Malaga later that evening, Isabel Padilla Guerrero, was effectively "late for her own funeral".
The ceremony had to be re-scheduled for the following morning, causing a great deal of inconvenience to the family, especially the relatives who had travelled from France especially.
The family has put the matter in the hands of a lawyer and insists that legal action will be taken. "As far as I´m concerned it is entirely the fault of Iberia, who lost the coffin as if it was a suitcase", said Roque.
Now listen up you boat owners amongst you- forget about the old saying of boat ownership being like standing in a cold shower, ripping up 100 dollar bils!
A recent survey found that boaters are healthier and happier than their landlubber, nonboating counterparts, according to a press release from the American National Marine Manufacturers Association (NMMA).
The study´s findings include the following:
More boat owners said their health is excellent or good (83 percent) than did nonboat owners (77 percent)
67 percent of boat owners said having a boat has contributed to their well-being
Boat owners experience greater self-esteem (+10 percent), ability to enjoy life (+9 percent) and a better sex life (+7 percent)
Nonboat owners are more prone to feeling useless (+8 percent), lonely (+7 percent), unhappy (+5 percent) and fatigued (+4 percent)
So relax and get your chequebook out with a smile!!
On a serious note folks I have been asked to pass on the word about an incredible challenge of rowing across the Atlantic for charity.
Marcus Thompson, who just happens to be Matthew Thompson´s (of Rolling Stock infamy) cousin, along with crewmate Sally Kettle will attempt to row from Tenerife the 3,000 miles to Barbados in a 24 foot wooden boat.
They hope to raise a million quid for King´s College London´s ´Fund for Epilepsy´.
A staggering feat in itself it´s even more remarkable that Marcus is himself a sufferer of epilepsy!
For further details of how to support and sponsor this incredible journey contact Matthew on 687 957430 locally or Jane Sykes on 01422 825215 in the UK.
By popular demand I have been asked to set up an ´agony uncle´ column- here are the first Q & As:
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and should be incouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.
Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.
Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is buy him a nice expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don´t mention this aspect of his behaviour.
Q: How do I know if I´m ready for sex?
A: Ask your man. He´ll know when the time is right.
When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they´re not as confused emotionally as women.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: Yes. Before if possible.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: There is no actual time, but anything over two minutes is good.
After your man has finished making love, he´ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends and play golf, or perhaps another activity such as going to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don´t feel left out - while he´s gone you can busy yourself by doing the laundry and cleaning, cook him a nice meal or perhaps even going out and buying him a nice expensive gift.
He´ll come back when he´s ready.
And lastly, a genuine sign outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING -FURNITURE, BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
If I survive Madame Bates´ reaction to the above I´ll see you all next month.
Regards,
Bates